Pied Cow Beats Harvard in Grid Iron Classic

Elite "final club" members feeling stunned
at Harvard's loss to Pied Cow Academy, 69-0

In what can be described only as an utter drubbing, the Pied Cow Academy Hessians upset the Harvard Crimson at the First Annual Pied Cow Invitational Football Classic, by a score of 69-0.

In an interview immediately following the game, Hessians Coach Francis Lawless spoke with reporters in his office outside the locker room.

"This was an excellent victory for our team," said Lawless, adding, "We beat them at their own game. We've been studying how to beat them for a long time now, and everyone's work has paid off at last."

When asked by a reporter from Sports Illustrated what he meant by 'studying how to beat them for a long time,' Lawless responded, "Today's effort had its roots in meta-empirical research originally conducted by Pied Cow, founder of the Pied Cow Institute for the Kinesiological Arts. In embarking upon his research, he noted that students of elite universities appear to have been groomed to occupy positions of social dominance  from very young ages."

"Saying that they've been 'groomed' for dominance is perhaps euphemistic," Lawless noted. "A more accurate term would be that they've been bred to be dominant. Our kinesiologists later noted how elite family groupings manifest a decided preference for institutional life, sending their children to boarding schools and summer camps early on."

"Our kinesiologists posited that the elites' practice of casting off of their children in favor of institutional settings develops desirable personality characteristics that are useful in perpetuating the pre-eminence of their ruling groups. Without the usual emotional bonds that come from years of cultivation in family life, the offspring of ruling groups are less likely to develop characteristics of compassion and empathy, and instead develop characteristics of ruthlessness and competitiveness."

Lawless continued by noting, "The maturation of these characteristics can be seen in these offspring as they enter their post-secondary years, after having received intensive social training from elite secondary schools. Once they've reached college their predatory tendencies tend to come to the fore, particularly on the athletic fields. This is an element of their teams' successes."

"Our kinesiologists knew that drawing our team from the middle classes, those classes having been bred for docility and subservience, would be the wrong move. Thus we drew our team largely from gang members from the South Bronx, Highland Park in Detroit, Compton in L.A. and North Philadelphia. Students from these areas often have emotional make-ups quite similar to those of the elite, with the exception that their traits are borne of deprivation as opposed to formal opulence."

"Their having been gang members replicates nicely ruling groups' proclivities toward favoring institutional life as opposed to family life. Indeed, gangs can be looked upon as a perfect analogue to the "final clubs" that have come to replace fraternities and sororities on elite campuses."

"It appears that our theoretical ideas were correct, and we couldn't be more proud of our Hessians!"

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